Part of growing up is learning how to think for ourselves and not just go along with the crowd. In this week's portion, as the Jewish people were about to move into the land of Israel that God had promised them, they sent a group of spies ahead of them to scout things out. When the spies returned to the people, most of them started spreading destructive negative rumors about the land. However, two of the spies, Caleb and Joshua, refused to go along and were brave enough to tell the people the truth - that the land was really good. We can learn from them the value of thinking independently and not being afraid to swim against the tide.

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In our story, a kid learns a surprising lesson about the power of independent thinking.

"FEARLESS"

In Jay's school, if you weren't a member of some group of friends or club, you just weren't 'part of things.' There were different groups for different kinds of kids, but one thing everyone agreed on was that the coolest, most popular group of kids in the whole school was 'The Fearless Ones.'

Its leader, Kyle Jacobs, was not only captain of both the school football and baseball teams but a straight A student to boot. Tall, good looking and oozing with charisma, Kyle was just the kind of kid that everyone wanted to be around.

One day Jay found a note tucked into his locker telling him he was one of the 'privileged few' from his class invited to join 'The Fearless Ones.' You can bet he was more than thrilled. The note said he should come after school at 5:00 pm - and no later - to the equipment building on the far end of the baseball field for his club 'initiation'.

Jay had a hard time paying attention in school that day, and after rushing home and blasting through his homework and chores, he jumped on his bike and made to the designated spot just in time.

"Hey Jay, congratulations!" came a familiar voice from just inside the door. It was Pete, a friend of his from class.

"You made it into the Fearless Ones too? That's great!" Jay smiled. "Anybody else from our class?"

"Just Bob, and he's already in that side room over there with Kyle for his initiation. Out of our class of 35, it seems like only the three of us were cool enough to join." The guys were laughing when suddenly the door burst open and Bob came stumbling out. He was hacking and coughing and looked greener than the tarpaulin rolled up along the wall.

"Hey are you okay?" cried Jay.

"Yeah ... cough ... cough ... I guess so." he said. "They make you smoke ... cough ... one whole cigarette before they let you join. Kyle said everyone does it. I never smoked before and ... cough ... cough ... I feel really sick. But at least I got my club card and ... cough ... made it into the group. Gotta go!" he said, throwing his hand over his mouth and running outside, full speed.

"Next!" came a sharp cry from the direction of the inner room. The boys looked up and saw Kyle pointing straight at Pete.

"Are you going in there?" whispered Jay.

"Of course." said Pete. Isn't that why we're here?"

"Yeah, but what about the cigarette thing? You don't smoke do you?"

"Me, smoke? No way!"

"So?"

"But, look," Pete shrugged, "They said everyone does it before they join and if that's the price of being a member, I guess I'll have to do it too."

"Let's go!" Kyle said sharply, and before Jay was able to answer back, his friend had slipped through the door.

Jay sat now alone and confused. He so much wanted to join this elite group but he certainly didn't want to smoke. He knew it was really bad for him. But if everyone else was doing it, even his friends...well, maybe...

A few minutes later, the door burst open again. This time it was Pete coughing his guts out just as Bob had done minutes before. Jay thought he heard laughter from the inner room.

"Last but not least!" Kyle called out to Jay.

Jay swallowed hard and walked into the small room. It reeked of smoke.

"Have a seat, Jay," smiled Kyle, pointing to a small chair across from him and Vince, his right hand man.

"Well, congratulations," Kyle said, holding out his big hand. "You have now made it to 'The Fearless Ones,' the #1 club in this or any other school. See you at the next meeting." Jay smiled back nervously. Maybe that was it and he was off the hook. He started to get up when, Kyle held up his hand to stop him.

"But first ... we have a little initiation ceremony for all our new members." Kyle lit a cigarette and held it out to Jay. "Smoke this."

"Um, no thanks, I don't smoke," said Jay, quietly. Vince burst into laughter.

"I don't think you get it," Kyle said. "You don't have a choice. To be a member of 'The Fearless Ones' you have to show you're fearless by smoking one whole cigarette. Everybody has to do it. You do want to be part of our club, don't you?"

Jay nodded.

"Good. So prove it."

Kyle held out the cigarette again. Jay started to reach out for it, then paused a long moment. It wouldn't be easy, but Jay knew what he had to do. He took a deep breath, looked the older boy straight in the eyes and shook his head, no.

"Kyle, I can't tell you how much I want to be part of the group, but I believe smoking is wrong. Even doing it just once. I'd like to join but if that's what it takes, then I can't." Jay got up, turned and started to walk out.

"Wait a minute."

Jay stopped and looked behind him. Were they going to yell at him or call him names?

"Nobody ever spoke his mind straight to me like that in here before." Kyle said. "Everyone either just takes the cigarette or runs out of here like a scared rabbit.'

Kyle put out the cigarette and reached into a drawer and took out an official 'Fearless One's' membership card. He tossed it to Jay, who happily caught it.

"I guess we can bend the rules this one time, huh Vince? After all, I think you just showed us that someone can be more fearless by not taking the cigarette than by taking it."

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Ages 3-5

Q. How did Jay's friends feel about smoking the cigarette?
A. They felt like it was a bad thing to do, but did it anyway because they wanted to join the club.

Q. How did Jay feel about it?
A. He also wanted to join the club, but he wouldn't do something bad just because they said he had to and everyone else did it.

Ages 6-9

Q. What life lesson can you take out of this story?
A. Sometimes we can be tempted to 'just go along' and do something we know isn't right just because everyone else is or we feel pressured, but a truly fearless person sticks to his values and isn't afraid to speak out even in uncomfortable circumstances.

Q. Why do you think Kyle decided to let Jay into the club even though he didn't smoke the cigarette?
A. We might not realize it, but when we stand up for our values instead of just going with the tide, people have a lot of respect for us. That is what happened here. But even if Kyle hadn't let him in, Jay still made the right decision and in the end would be glad he did.

Ages 10 and Up

Q. Can a person be an independent thinker and conform to the people around him at the same time? Why or why not?
A. Independent thinking isn't about conforming or not conforming. It means that we look at what is happening around us with open eyes and decide whether it is right or wrong based on our own values, rather than because 'everyone says so.' If what people are doing around is fine, there is no reason not to conform. If it isn't, then we shouldn't be afraid not to conform and do what's right anyway.

Q. Does independent thinking mean we shouldn't ask others advice? A. Not at all. Asking and considering the advice of experienced people whose values we respect is a valuable way to gather all the information we need to be able to genuinely think independently and arrive at an informed decision.  

Eating dinner as a family was on its way to becoming a cultural dinosaur, thanks in no small part to all those images of Leave it to Beaver with June Cleaver in her frilly apron and pearls.

That is -- until a recent study by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse. They found that the more often a family eats dinner together, the less likely the kids are to get involved with alcohol and drug abuse.

Although they didn't detail appropriate dinnertime behavior, one assumes that while it is not necessary that the dinner be homemade, there would have to be some communication among family members in order for this to be an effective strategy. That would probably entail turning off the TV (not just turning down the sound), turning off cell phones (and Blackberries and Treos) and maybe (although this may be too revolutionary) not answering the regular phone -- if you still have one.

What's stunning is that for many, this is a radical idea. In escaping the stultifying fifties, we've run so fast and hard that we didn't stop to see if there was anything worth preserving. We may not want to see our own face in the dishes, but it might be nice to see those of our other family members!

Dinner time is a good opportunity to catch up on everyone's lives, to sift through community news, to discuss the interesting issues of the day. If the topic becomes too esoteric, we like to borrow a line from the father in the biography Cheaper by the Dozen, "That is not of general interest." Or if one child is particularly long-winded, we like to borrow from Pride and Prejudice, "You have delighted us long enough."

But in general, it's a free-for-all with topics up for grabs and usually at least two children who get caught up in the discussion (and another two who talk about something else just to make trouble!).

While we rarely have take out (due to budgetary considerations and not the ghost of June Cleaver), I refuse to be a short-order cook. There is one dinner made -- and a last resort option of cereal and milk. This allows me to sit at the table and participate in the conversation -- or not.

Sometimes due to job considerations or other scheduling complications, it is not possible for families to eat together. Some times there's no choice. And sometimes it's a matter of priorities. Which will benefit our child more: another after-school activity or a relaxed dinner with his family?

The statistics from CASA are hard to argue with. You may not want to get dressed up with pearls for dinner and greet your husband and kids with that big smile (why not give it a shot?), but maybe June Cleaver was really onto something important.

Rebbetzin Feige responds:

Dear reader,

All of our life's experience, the way we see ourselves and the way we see others, is a product of our own thinking. If we choose to change our mind, the way life presents itself is altered commensurately. It is like looking through a kaleidoscope where, with a slight adjustment in position, we get a totally different picture.

That shift is for us to make. It consists of letting go of previous thoughts that keep us locked and confined in a place where we see ourselves as victims of that which has been brought to bear upon us by others, i.e. parents who are inadequate in the formative years of our upbringing, teachers, friends, etc. -- the myriad of external forces and circumstances that we are convinced shape the person that we are today. We can relinquish the control that others have on us by recognizing that the power resides within us exclusively. It is a totally liberating experience.

The only real variable to psychological well being, that is, to be in a positive relationship with ourselves and others, is our own personal thinking. Consider the fact that all of us have better days and worse days, times when life feels heavy and oppressive and alternatively periods when we are in good cheer. What changes? For the most part, the disparity in feeling and mood can be traced to nothing more than a state of mind -- our thoughts -- a shift in the kaleidoscope.

The 92-Year-Old Water Carrier

My father, of blessed memory, was fond of interpreting the verse in our morning prayers that thanks God for "renewing the acts of creation daily" in the following way. He drew on an encounter in the life of the saintly Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov, the founder of the Chassidic movement, with a water carrier. The Rebbe was standing by the window overlooking the courtyard one morning. He observed Chaim, the 92-year-old water carrier positioning his two pails of water on his shoulder for delivery up the steep hill in front of him.

The Rebbe opened the window and called out to Chaim in greeting and inquired how he was doing. In a despondent tone of voice, Chaim responded by saying that if at 92 years of age he was still obliged to carry heavy pails of water up the hill, life left much to be desired. The Rebbe took leave of him and wished him well.

The very next day, at the same time, the scenario repeated itself -- the Rebbe at the window, Chaim the 92-year-old water carrier, his two pails perched on his shoulder and the steep hill beckoning. The Rebbe, once again, inquired about his well being. This time, a big smile spread across Chaim's age worn face as he replied, "Nu, Rebbe, if at 92 years of age I can still manage to shlep and deliver these heavy pails up the hill, do I have a right to complain?"

Identical circumstances, but a different way of thinking. The way he experienced life was transformed from one of seeing himself as victimized by circumstances to one of being privileged to be alive. This, my father concluded, is the meaning of the gratitude that we express to God daily for giving us the wherewithal, by virtue of our thinking, to "renew the acts of creation daily."

Resisting and dropping negative and contaminating thinking is not easy, especially when it has become a pattern, a way of being. Old habits die hard, the saying goes. However, we do have the power, if we are determined, to recreate our perception of ourselves and our lives.

At the Gas Station

My daughter, Baila called me recently to share the following occurrence. Her daughter, Chana Malka, my granddaughter, was driving along the Garden State Parkway from New Jersey to New York. She stopped at a gas station and the attendant who came to service her car was a dwarf. As he washed the windows of the car, he suddenly became excited and pointed to the portrait of Chana Malka's father, Rabbi Eliezer Geldzahler, of blessed memory, positioned in the passenger seat of the car.

"How do you know that man?" he asked in a state of agitation. "I've been looking for him for more than two years. Where is he? And how do you know him?"

Chana Malka gently informed him that the man in the portrait was her father and that he died, the casualty of a bus accident in Israel from which he never recovered. As the dwarf's eyes filled with tears, my granddaughter inquired how it was that he knew her father.

He said, "Everyone who meets me, the dwarf, averts their eyes in discomfort at my disability. Your father was the only one who looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘Young man, you are an inspiration. You were born with what to others would appear as a great handicap, but you refuse to play the role of the victim. You get up in the morning, go to work, and earn an honest living. You are a role model for all of us. You teach us that circumstances should not dictate the terms of our existence. What's more, I am going back to my students and I'm going to tell them about you so that they might learn from your example.' Your father made me feel tall, if not in size, then in stature. I used to so look forward to seeing him and I've missed him so much. My condolences to you. He was a truly great man."

There are people who are privileged with good fortune and are tall in size but by indulging contaminated thinking, become virtual dwarfs in their own eyes. And there are those who work hard to deliberately move away from the clutches of thoughts that would drag them down -- memories of the past (which are no more than a collection of thoughts) and personal thinking of their flaws and blemishes which limit their experience of living.

My dear reader, we are the thinkers. The choice is ours. We determine what colors to lend to the images that appear on the canvas of our daily lives.

Do yourself a favor: When the negative, inhibiting thoughts surface in your mind, as they inevitably will, imagine that you are at a depot with a choice of many buses going to different destinations. Before you climb on one of them, it would be wise for you to ask yourself if this bus will take you where you want to go. If it won't, don't get on that bus. Move on; find the right bus, the thoughts and mindset that will allow you to embrace life and all of your potential and blessings. Slowly and surely you will more consistently identify the right bus, create a new pattern for yourself, a shift in your kaleidoscope that will give you a new lease on life.

Rebbetzin Feige responds:

Dear reader,

All of our life's experience, the way we see ourselves and the way we see others, is a product of our own thinking. If we choose to change our mind, the way life presents itself is altered commensurately. It is like looking through a kaleidoscope where, with a slight adjustment in position, we get a totally different picture.

That shift is for us to make. It consists of letting go of previous thoughts that keep us locked and confined in a place where we see ourselves as victims of that which has been brought to bear upon us by others, i.e. parents who are inadequate in the formative years of our upbringing, teachers, friends, etc. -- the myriad of external forces and circumstances that we are convinced shape the person that we are today. We can relinquish the control that others have on us by recognizing that the power resides within us exclusively. It is a totally liberating experience.

The only real variable to psychological well being, that is, to be in a positive relationship with ourselves and others, is our own personal thinking. Consider the fact that all of us have better days and worse days, times when life feels heavy and oppressive and alternatively periods when we are in good cheer. What changes? For the most part, the disparity in feeling and mood can be traced to nothing more than a state of mind -- our thoughts -- a shift in the kaleidoscope.

The 92-Year-Old Water Carrier

My father, of blessed memory, was fond of interpreting the verse in our morning prayers that thanks God for "renewing the acts of creation daily" in the following way. He drew on an encounter in the life of the saintly Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov, the founder of the Chassidic movement, with a water carrier. The Rebbe was standing by the window overlooking the courtyard one morning. He observed Chaim, the 92-year-old water carrier positioning his two pails of water on his shoulder for delivery up the steep hill in front of him.

The Rebbe opened the window and called out to Chaim in greeting and inquired how he was doing. In a despondent tone of voice, Chaim responded by saying that if at 92 years of age he was still obliged to carry heavy pails of water up the hill, life left much to be desired. The Rebbe took leave of him and wished him well.

The very next day, at the same time, the scenario repeated itself -- the Rebbe at the window, Chaim the 92-year-old water carrier, his two pails perched on his shoulder and the steep hill beckoning. The Rebbe, once again, inquired about his well being. This time, a big smile spread across Chaim's age worn face as he replied, "Nu, Rebbe, if at 92 years of age I can still manage to shlep and deliver these heavy pails up the hill, do I have a right to complain?"

Identical circumstances, but a different way of thinking. The way he experienced life was transformed from one of seeing himself as victimized by circumstances to one of being privileged to be alive. This, my father concluded, is the meaning of the gratitude that we express to God daily for giving us the wherewithal, by virtue of our thinking, to "renew the acts of creation daily."

Resisting and dropping negative and contaminating thinking is not easy, especially when it has become a pattern, a way of being. Old habits die hard, the saying goes. However, we do have the power, if we are determined, to recreate our perception of ourselves and our lives.

At the Gas Station

My daughter, Baila called me recently to share the following occurrence. Her daughter, Chana Malka, my granddaughter, was driving along the Garden State Parkway from New Jersey to New York. She stopped at a gas station and the attendant who came to service her car was a dwarf. As he washed the windows of the car, he suddenly became excited and pointed to the portrait of Chana Malka's father, Rabbi Eliezer Geldzahler, of blessed memory, positioned in the passenger seat of the car.

"How do you know that man?" he asked in a state of agitation. "I've been looking for him for more than two years. Where is he? And how do you know him?"

Chana Malka gently informed him that the man in the portrait was her father and that he died, the casualty of a bus accident in Israel from which he never recovered. As the dwarf's eyes filled with tears, my granddaughter inquired how it was that he knew her father.

He said, "Everyone who meets me, the dwarf, averts their eyes in discomfort at my disability. Your father was the only one who looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘Young man, you are an inspiration. You were born with what to others would appear as a great handicap, but you refuse to play the role of the victim. You get up in the morning, go to work, and earn an honest living. You are a role model for all of us. You teach us that circumstances should not dictate the terms of our existence. What's more, I am going back to my students and I'm going to tell them about you so that they might learn from your example.' Your father made me feel tall, if not in size, then in stature. I used to so look forward to seeing him and I've missed him so much. My condolences to you. He was a truly great man."

There are people who are privileged with good fortune and are tall in size but by indulging contaminated thinking, become virtual dwarfs in their own eyes. And there are those who work hard to deliberately move away from the clutches of thoughts that would drag them down -- memories of the past (which are no more than a collection of thoughts) and personal thinking of their flaws and blemishes which limit their experience of living.

My dear reader, we are the thinkers. The choice is ours. We determine what colors to lend to the images that appear on the canvas of our daily lives.

Do yourself a favor: When the negative, inhibiting thoughts surface in your mind, as they inevitably will, imagine that you are at a depot with a choice of many buses going to different destinations. Before you climb on one of them, it would be wise for you to ask yourself if this bus will take you where you want to go. If it won't, don't get on that bus. Move on; find the right bus, the thoughts and mindset that will allow you to embrace life and all of your potential and blessings. Slowly and surely you will more consistently identify the right bus, create a new pattern for yourself, a shift in your kaleidoscope that will give you a new lease on life.

In this week's Torah portion, God said to Moses to:

"Command the children of Israel that they shall expel from the camp everyone with tzara'as..." (Numbers 5:1)

A LIFE LESSON

God instructed all the Jews that if someone has tzara'as - which is defined as leprosy or skin contamination - then he needs to temporarily live away from everyone else.

In order to understand why this was done, it's first important to know exactly what caused someone to be afflicted with tzara'as. This skin aliment appeared on those people who gossiped about someone else. When the Jews lived in Israel during the times we had the Holy Temple, when someone slandered another person, he could be afflicted with this aliment.

Perhaps the reason he needed to be segregated from everyone else comes down to this: Human beings really don't like taking responsibility for their errant actions. Let me explain. No one wants to be thought of as a bad person or one who wrongs others. So in an effort to avoid this, most people simply choose to rationalize their behavior to demonstrate that they were completely justified in what they did. Our reasoning tends to boil down to this: Yes I did it, but it's definitely not what it seems.

Maybe this is why God wants the person not to live amongst other Jews until his tzara'as goes away. It was done to prevent this person from committing additional sins by repeating his gossip in an effort to show why it wasn't really gossip in the first place.

And this is the lesson for all of us. We all have the temptation at times to try to explain away our errant behavior. The next time you do something to someone else that you really shouldn't have done, try to resist the urge to make everyone believe that you really didn't do anything wrong. Instead, take personal responsibility for what you did. This will not only make you feel great, but will also act as a powerful shield against compounding your initial mistake.